Eleven Years Ago Today

Eleven years ago today, my 11-day-old baby boy was in my arms fighting a losing battle for his life.  For obvious reasons this time of year is just plain tough.  My heartache is not brought on by a memory of one awful day of my son's death, but rather 29 days of watching him slowly die.  I would not wish my memories of his last days on my worst enemy.  For this reason I wonder if Jaeden would have been better off had I "terminated the pregnancy" - a choice most would not have judged me for since they  knew he was suffering from severe hydrocephalus, and would likely live a life with severe mental retardation.  


For me abortion was not a moral dilemma, but rather a personal resolve resulting from my childhood faith that kept me from ending my son's life.  The responsibility of choosing his life or death was an impossible one... trusting God was all I could do.  My heart told me that whether my son lived or died was God's choice...  not mine, and whatever circumstances (good or bad) came with God's choice would be bearable because God is sovereign - He exists outside of time - and He knows what is best for His children.  From an eternal perspective, I imagine all of life's happenings take on a much different shape than the one we see as limited and mortal beings.

Two days into Jaeden's life it was made crystal clear that his earthly life would be a painfully brief one.  Everyday of my son's life was a breath-holding wondering of which moment would be our last.  I did not want to fall asleep for fear he would die without my knowing... and alone; I did not want to put him down for the same reason.  An Aerosmith song sums up my thoughts during that heart-breaking time of my life:

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure


Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time


I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing


During Jaeden's 29 days God provided us with gifts of peace, mercy, love, grace, hope, strength, and yes... even joy.  To name a few: While in the NICU we were given several beautiful comforting gifts made with compassion and saturated in prayers.  While at the hospital in Las Cruces we were wrapped up in the hugs, tears, and prayers of family and friends.  Dear friends of my family gave me a CD (Natalie Grant's 1999 self-titled album) which filled our home with God's presence and peace.  My brother-in-law drove to and from Las Cruces from Killeen, TX, to bring a prayer cloth as a symbol of faith for Jaeden's healing.


All of these loving gestures confirmed my belief that God would wrap us up in his arms and carry us through every trial in life.  He proved to be all I needed in the face of what some believe to be the worst  thing that could ever happen to them.  Unlike those who do not have faith in the God of the Bible, I have the hope that my son is healed.  He is perfect in every way and I will see him again.  His life was not without purpose.  His life and death made me put my hypothetical faith into action.


Being taught to trust God, and actually trusting God are two COMPLETELY different concepts.  I chose to run to God.  I chose to trust God even though I honestly was not even sure I truly believed in Him.  After all, a short seven months before Jaeden's one-night-stand conception I was suffering from a full blown nervous breakdown resulting from my unbridled lifestyle of promiscuity, drug and alcohol abuse.  During my nervous breakdown, the healing process revealed the truths in God's Word.  I began to experience its living, breathing, and life changing power.  The groundwork for my ultimate decision to follow Christ was being laid during that tormented time in my life.


The day that Jaeden died I was drowning in God's unexplainable peace... an experience that left me convinced of His reality.  That night as young teenage girls engulfed me with their hugs and tears at the altar following my church's Good Friday Easter production, God's purpose for my life began to unfold. He was opening a door for me to work with youth... 11 years later I am preparing to become a middle school special education teacher, and God is birthing a desire in my heart to foster children who have no home...  Yes. Jaeden's life had a BIG purpose.  His life and death led me to the foot of the cross in a state of complete vulnerability and surrender.  Karen Scott wrote a worship song that beautifully captures my heart's response in that precious and life altering moment in time:


At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me your love
Through the judgement you received
And you've won my heart
Yes you've won my heart


At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death you bore for me
And you've won my heart
Yes you've won my heart

Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

Today I can't help but wonder where I would be had I chosen to take matters into my own hands and abort my baby boy.  Even though Jaeden's death is tough to deal with, I am so thankful for his life and the gift of eternal life that he and I have both been given.

"In the world you are just one person, but to one person you may be their world."

Within the next year I will begin teaching; something I never considered doing until I secured a job as an Interventionist at a local middle school.  As an interventionist I work with about 15 special education students on a daily basis.  It is my responsibility to administer personalized accommodations designed to aide each student's academic success.  If I observe that a student is not performing at a satisfactory level, it is my responsibility to figure out why he or she is struggling, and to implement a plan to meet his or her educational goals...  It sounds so clinical.  So rigid.  But every day it becomes more and more obvious to me why God provided me with this job.

My background in Psychology has proven to be significantly helpful as I observe different teaching and learning styles, and as I observe the effect that each student's upbringing has on their performance and behavior at school.  My background in Youth Ministry has proven to be significantly helpful as I take into consideration the reality that I have been given a window of opportunity to leave a meaningful and lasting impression on these student's lives.  When they act out, or have a particularly rough day, I cannot help but wonder what effect their lives outside of school are having on their behavior.  What medications are they on?  Are they taking them regularly?  Has their been a recent medication change?  Is this student over medicated... or misdiagnosed?  Can Mom or Dad read?  Do Mom or Dad help with homework?  Is Mom and/or Dad present?

I have a student who has seen Dad beat Mom in a drunken rage.  Mom and Dad lost custody, and Dad is now in jail.  Granddad and Grandma have custody now; Grandma whose health is going downhill fast.

Everyday, this student is my most challenging.  Teachers do not have sufficient time to provide the one-on-one attention most of these students are in need of.  Most middle school teachers have 100+ students to deal with during any given day.  Their hands are more than full!  I on the other hand have the unique opportunity to put all of my time and energy  -  my heart and soul  -  into meeting the unique needs of this small group of 15+ students.  Every day I have the opportunity to be the world to each one of my students.  Everyday I look forward to going to work.  I do not dread it one bit because I have been blessed with the opportunity to love on, encourage, and make a difference in their lives.  Within the next year I will begin teaching; something I never considered doing until I realized that this is what I was created to do.